I haven’t written or blogged in such a long time. It feels good to be in a space that I can dedicate time back to this passion of mine. It’s been a hell of a year and some change, as I sought to find balance as a school leader during the pandemic. That shit was tough, bruh. I’m here though, and I have plenty of stories to tell and today’s topic is something I’ve wanted to write about for some time. It’ll likely be a short series of some sort because there is so much to unpack.  Shame is a hellavuh drug. It forces us to center the narratives of ourselves around the pieces of us that we’ve sometimes tried to hide, don’t like about ourselves, or refuse to acknowledge. It can bring those things to light in ways we don’t expect, but it is in our reaction to shame that we see our true character and beauty, and rebuild from the strongest parts of us. We’ve been taught to feel shame all our lives, whenever we made mistakes or fell short of someone else’s or our own expectations. It’s also super easy to slip into, so if you’ve ever felt shame in this way, join me on this ride. 

Shame is often self-inflicted, birthed from the idea that people around us have a different perception of us from what we present. It is a feeling of inadequacy that we create when we internalize negative feelings about ourselves. Personal insecurities, secrets, mistakes, and perceived flaws can all trigger shame responses, causing people to become extremely self-conscious, self-critical, and embarrassed. It is often coupled with a mistake or humiliating event that brings a part of our life to the forefront, that only those closest to us would know. Shame often is categorized in four ways: Unrequited Love, Exclusion, Unwanted Exposure, and Disappointed Expectation. All four of these can leave us feeling unworthy, afraid to return to our normal self in fear of even further scrutiny. Feelings of shame can cause us to shrink ourselves, losing the parts of our identities that make us who we are.  

I’ve lived in Seattle for about four months now and I like living here. I have a community of people who are important to me and I do my best to stay as active as possible. Recently, I’ve been the subject of targeted attempted humiliation by a group of conservatives who sent my social media profile to a right wing news outlet. An article was written which made it to Fox News’s site and as a result, I’ve been publicly scrutinized for the image I present of a weed-smoking, erotic fiction writing, smut lover who doesn’t deserve to be a principal, and shouldn’t be trusted around children. Not once was my professionalism questioned, nor was it found that I did anything illegal, but the fact that I didn’t fit a conservative view of leadership became the biggest counterpoint. Blame it on naivety, but I don’t live in a world or space where people I don’t know would do things to tear me down, but this is the situation I found myself in. I was quickly reminded that there are people who solely exist to make others miserable. 

Now, let’s be clear. I have never tried to hide anything from anybody. I’m as transparent as they come and access to things I’ve created has never been closed off, but for a brief second, in spite of the knowledge that nothing I did was wrong, I felt ashamed. I was scared to go outside in public, thinking of how many people had seen the article. I was afraid for the future of my career in education. I was ashamed of the stain that I left on a community that was operating fine before I arrived and would be subjected to ridicule now that I’d become a part of it. I was ashamed that this exposure, coupled with public opinion, would literally ruin me. I had nightmares of being desolate and begging to return to places I’d left, just so I could provide. School has only been in session this year for a month, and here I am, the subject of an investigation into the way I interact or create online. In many ways, it felt like a failure, and the veil that I masked this feeling with was shame because I was unprepared or caught off guard. In essence, the goal was not only to humiliate me, but to show me that I did not belong. They created a narrative of me that would serve the purpose of sensationalism, and for a while, I forgot who I was. I forgot that the story they constructed was not a full picture of who I was, and I did not have to own it or respond to it. This was the day that the shame ended for me. 

As I scrolled through social media the following week, I came across an audio sent to me by my sister, Nette. It simply said these words. 

“No one prepared you for what you would go through. There was no way you could have been prepared. And you still handled it with grace. And you still did the best you could. And that is enough.” 

I recognized in that moment that I could wallow in the low place of shame that I had allowed myself to crawl into, or I could wake up and face each day, understanding that I was more than a group of conservative news writers’ opinions of me. I’ve also written my own narrative for this very reason, but life throws unexpected twists, so for the first time, I’ve had to be quiet and let things blow over, instead of jumping to defend myself. It is hard to sit back and allow your character to be assassinated and your name to be ridiculed, but I offer you this. You don’t owe explanation or context to anyone  who doesn’t seek to know or fully understand you.  Anyone seeking to piecemeal a narrative using moments of your life with the intention to embarrass you doesn’t deserve your attention. 

I know that sounds simplified, but shame is not something you can inflict upon yourself when you’re in a space of healing. You can acknowledge the feelings that exist when shame enters. You can address the hurt, the feelings of inadequacies, the tear at your pride, and even the anger and sadness that come with people intentionally attempting to hurt you, but don’t sit in shame for too long. 

“I don’t care how low you are right now. It doesn’t matter where you are on that spectrum. You are still here. After all of that.”

Remember. At the end of it all, you are still here and that is something to be extremely proud of. Whatever happened was intended to take you out. It was intended to drag you down so low that you’d give up. I didn’t give up because there is so much more to my story than this. The same is true for you. Your story is important. Don’t allow shame to dim your light or take away the best parts of you. We’re still here and growing in 2022. Welcome back.