At my current school, we focus a lot on social emotional learning. Kids are taught key skills that they’ll need as adults, and one of them us problem solving. One of the characteristics of of problem solving that I see adults struggle with in teaching kids is accepting non-closure. Meaning, we may discuss and start creating a plan to solve the problem but right now the only solution is that we can’t fix it today. There is no perfect package or shiny bow that ties this thing all together. As humans, restitution, or the righting of a wrong is super important to us. When we’re wronged, we want justice that is equal to, or sometimes greater than the offense taken upon us. In the basest of human emotion, when someone hurts us, we want an apology that acknowledges our feelings and gives us an admission of guilt. Well, not trying to burst bubbles, but there are times where you’re never going to get it, sis.

I was watching Ghosted and this concept of hunting people down to make them “pay” for something they did like choosing not to talk/ engage with you without explanation hit home in a few different ways. First, I have been a ghoster, a couple of times for a couple of different reasons. In one instance, I thought it would be easier than telling the person I wasn’t interested anymore. I’ve also ghosted someone because I became emotionally unavailable. I’ve fallen into depression or had mental health issues that cause me to stop in my tracks and I didn’t have the emotional capacity to handle telling anyone. None of this excuses the behavior, but it’s shaped the way I see closure in situations. 

Over time, I learned to be communicative about my feelings and needs, but it came at a price. The price I paid was heartbreak, by learning that everyone hadn’t learned to be as communicative as me. It also led me further away from the “pick me” or “why didn’t you choose me” culture that seems to have overtaken dating and relationships. People feel owed, and I get it, no one wants their feelings hurt, but people don’t have to be nice and honor your wishes, just because you want it. In relationships, there is this overwhelming desire to be right. No one likes being in the position of being labeled “the cause.” You don’t want the narrative to be that you were the reason for the breakup, but let’s be honest. You will always be the villain in someone else’s version of the story. It’s human nature. Their perception is their reality and they are entitled to tell the story they chose, and there is little you can do about it. It’s also human nature to want to protect your reputation and name, but guess what, you can’t worry about what other people say about you. What you can control is that you don’t have to let people’s action shape how you move in the future. People’s lack of empathy isn’t a reflection of you and you don’t have to teach people or force them into providing you with restitution for your pain. You don’t have to, not do you get to carry that with you into your next relationship with someone new. You can express your desires to be openly communicative about feelings from the beginning, and watch for the flags that will let you know what a person is or isn’t willing to do. Broken promises, whether small or large, can be the early indicator that someone has a communication issue. But, when it’s over, let it be over, whether you get that apology you’re looking for or not.

So, let’s recap.

You’re not owed closure, even if you think you are. 

People first have to believe that they have wronged you. You can’t force or compel people to believe that. The fact of the matter is, some people don’t have the emotional capacity to satisfy our need for closure because they’ve never had to “close” anything, and even when they attempt it, it ends up making things much worse. It becomes a justification of actions versus a true acceptance of their own participation in what lead to the demise. Just move on, girl.

You don’t need closure or an apology to move forward. 

Truth be told, some people want closure to be reminded that they are still a good person or to validate their own thoughts or suspicions. They want appeasement for their hearts. They want to feel “not crazy” about situations, but really listen to your heart. The best move you can make is to learn how to heal from them, regardless of if you receive the restitution you seek. You can live a richer, fuller life, knowing you’ve moved on from a situation that doesn’t promote your wellness and growth.

Still healing y’all. 2019 has been a doozy, but I promised myself that I would walk forward in healing and not look back. You bitches better be doing the same.