I talked to my mom today for the first time in a couple of weeks. She knew I had been sick and about my phone situation with Uber. (I left my phone in an Uber and the dickhead wouldn’t answer. Uber tried to reach him and he finally responded 3 days later, after I had ordered and activated a replacement phone.) It was really good to talk to her and catch up. Her and my dad are always on the go and now that they’re both retired, I don’t see them slowing down anytime soon. It made me reflect a lot on life and the essence of time. I’ve had some much space to heal and grow and every time I face this obstacle of seasonal depressive disorder, I retreat inward. 

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Being sick gave me a lot of time to retreat and I decided to be productive with the time. I gave myself the task of cataloguing what my actual depression looks, feels, and sounds like. It’s not a new concept but it gave me an extra step in combating these things by first naming/identifying them. So here’s what my depression looks, feels, and sounds like.. 

• Every year feels like a race to the finish because I’m not sure if I’ll be alive or want to be alive for my next birthday.  
• Not wanting to celebrate any holidays, birthdays, or successes because they remind me of what I haven’t accomplished or how long it took me to accomplish it.  
• Not eating on weekends
• sleeping in on the weekends because getting out of bed is too overwhelming.   
• Having anxiety attacks when my alarm goes off because getting up for work during the week is overwhelming  
• Expecting to be disappointed everyday with everything, at all times.   
• Not wanting to be around people or feeling like I don’t deserve love because I’m not sure how long I’ll be around to receive it and people are wasting energy on me.  
• The pressure of being perfect couple with disappointing myself, which spirals into disappointing others 
• Feeling like a burden to the people that love me because I can’t explain my depression, what triggers, or how long it will last.  
• Over planning my life, then cancelling all the plans.
• Fear of not being invited to things coupled with the overwhelming desire to not want to go 
• Being afraid that people will grow tired of my depression, so I shut down and close everything out.   
• Fighting everyday just to function, so others won’t see what my depression looks like.
• Facing 4 blunts on a Monday night because being high is an escape from the reality that awaits me 
• To do lists that run through my head as I sleep, so I never really sleep
• Oversized clothes to hide the fact that I lose weight from not eating
• Suicidal ideation
• Failure with follow through on work and personal tasks
• Disconnection from loved ones
• Ghosting
• Extreme physical exhaustion (fatigue, losing my voice, being overheated in cold weather, shortness or breath)
• Low blood pressure 
• Low immunity (extremely susceptible to the smallest things
• Loss of interest in creative outlets
• Suicide attempts

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Remembering all of these things were super triggering, but helpful as I work towards venturing through this difficult time. Identifying and putting names to these things has already aided me in recognizing antecedents that trigger or come before these things. I’m not saying it’s perfect or that it works every time, but it’s a great step in helping combat these behaviors, while developing and utilizing coping skills when these things show up. 

It’s ok. It’s a process and my rate of healing is unique to me, just like yours is for you. Whatever you do, don’t stop healing. We can do this. We have to. 2020 is on it’s way.