It’s the most wonderful time of the year. That’s what we’ve always heard. Plenty of holidays pass through with familiar smells, memories of childhood, the hustle and bustle, leaves changing to vibrant fall colors, drops in temperature, shorter days, and warm cozy clothing. The best, right? Well, for people like me, who suffer with seasonal depressive disorder, it’s literally almost 6 months of nightmarish battles that only want to take your sanity. I felt it coming and I’ve been preparing my spirit and those closest to me because I know what this time of year does. I’m trying my best not to undo all the work and progress I’ve made this year, but I know it’s going to be hard. Let’s take a quick walk through this. 

Holidays are terrible, not because I hate holidays, but because they remind me of all the things that come with them. It’s a time for family to get together and reminisce on childhood and how far along we’ve come as adults. With that, I’m confronted with memories of my childhood that I relive every time I step foot off the plane in Jackson. It’s like stepping into a time machine or a secret portal, and all of a sudden I’m eight years old all over again. I just get stuck; frozen. As much as I’d love to be around my family during these times, and as selfish as this is going to sound, it’s always too hard for me. The more I think of them together enjoying Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas cheer, and ringing in the New Year, the angrier and more hurt I usually become. I’m not sure what it is, but sometimes it just seems so false, but I’m also the person who chooses not to participate for my own reasons. I’m not sure why, but after all this time, things still hurt. Feelings are still raw and I always feel so exposed. I feel like a red wine stain on cream carpet that was partially cleaned. After a while you forget it happened, until you actually glimpse at it from the corner of your eye, and you’re reminded that it happened, regardless of how faint the stain is or how little of it remains. The purity is tarnished. Of course, there are other stains now that are bigger and more visible, but you never wanna be the person who drops red wine on the cream carpet. 

I’m grateful for friendsgiving with my DC fam, and friends up here that include me on Christmas plans. Every year it gets easier and easier to be away, but it doesn’t hurt any less. Also ticket prices to Jackson are ridiculous during the holiday, so it helps to lessen the blow. I called myself making peace with the fact that I may not be able to handle it, but in actuality I’ve been trying to figure out the thing that has been keeping me from wanting to go. Every week I tell myself that I need to go home soon, and I push it off to the side. I know that the trauma is real, but I have so many other reasons to go home. There are so many people that love and care for me, and I’m paralyzed with the fear of taking a trip. I’ve literally searched itineraries and gotten to the payment page, only to shut my computer down because I can’t bear the thought of it. 

In the first phase of SDD, I try best to retreat within myself, but that always creates distance between my feelings and my actual reality. My friends are very hard to hide from. Literally. Like you cannot hide from them at all. There are always two defaults for me. I also get super clingy to the person I’m dating, which isn’t very cute. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I become very icy, shutting my emotions off so that I don’t feel anything.  I’m usually prone to suicidal ideations, intense body pains, and reckless behavior to increase some sense of comfort in my irregularities because I think I’m great under extreme pressure and chaos, even though I have no data to prove it. That basically means I do what I want because I think I have some control. My goal this year is to be upfront about my feelings when I have them, because I’m prone to disappearing acts when I become overwhelmed. I don’t always express my feelings in the best ways. To combat the disappearing acts, I’ve started planning trips. I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied with events and engagements that bring my some sense of joy. I’ve been trying to snatch joy at every point that I can. I celebrate the small wins. My job, my family, and my friends are such a delight. I’m celebrating the wins of those around me. 

From jump, I’ve been transparent with my mental health issues. That shit is hard to admit. The only thing I ask you to do is to check on your strong friends when you notice changes in their behavior. Encourage them to seek therapy or help in any capacity. Be receptive to their thoughts and feelings. Intentionally spend time with them if they need it, whether it’s a coffee date, or a drive around the block. Little things like this mean the most during this dark time. Sometimes you may be the only light they see. Like always, we’ll get through this. Still healing all 2019. No turning back now.