Growing up, I thought meteorologists were some of the coolest, smartest people on earth. My favorite weatherman was Woodie Assaf. He was literally on the air in my hometown for 50 years, and people loved him. He had his own theme song and some of the most accurate weather reporting the state had ever seen. People depended on him for his predictive accuracy, and I waited every day to see “what Woodie say.” He made predicting storms look easy, and kept us all prepared for the day and days to come. Wouldn’t it be great to have a Woodie Assaf for life’s storms? Wouldn’t it be awesome to predict if storms were just passing through or if they were here to stay? I’ve been out here planning a future in what seems to be a storm and now I’m weighing my options for next steps. Outkast said it best. “You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather.” Grab a raincoat, poncho, umbrella, and some boots. We’re going down this road.

About a month into this move, I started questioning whether or not I had made the right decision. When you pick up and move your life to another state, it’s not something you do lightly. Sometimes the “yes” we think we hear, is more of a “gone head and see” from the universe and not necessarily confirmation, and this experience has taught me to listen carefully. When I took this job in Philly, I was told and promised a lot of things that have not come to fruition yet. I was supposed to be learning from a well-equipped leader who would guide me in the direction of development my skills to become a school principal in the near future. However, what I got was a brand new school leader, who had been promoted for being the last person standing, in a building that had suffered drastically since its inception. Now, I’m stubborn, and a challenge is not something I usually run from. It becomes a goal to beat the odds, so I was ready; balls to the wall in, until I realized that it was a set. (It was a scheme set up by Todd to come to me with the bullshit.) I walked into a situation where there was no structure, and for weeks I thought I was losing my mind. My leadership coach came to me and had to confirm that I wasn’t crazy, but by that point I was ready to jump ship. My body started doing its funky thing when I’m stressed and I was trying to listen and at the same time show grit as much as possible.

This is how it all went down.

The week before school started we were having issues with the schedule, but we hadn’t had an opportunity to sit as a team and work out all the kinks. We had all went to the leader separately and tried to fix issues we had but there was not way we could do it in silos and get something that would work. In each of our session, the principal wouldn’t listen, and wanted us to know that she had already worked on all the things that we presented to her. This was definitely an ego issue. No one wants their faults/errors put on front street, so the team strategized on how we could work on the schedule together and work out all the fixes necessary. She absolutely shut us down. Monday was the that my partner and I would present PD on logistics, and we asked her to give us more time and rearrange some things util we got the schedule figured out, which included the schedule. She again refused and I got up in front of teachers to present the schedule and get feedback, which in fact was a complete disaster. It was my biggest fear. I hate standing in front of people and not having answers or feeling unprepared.

Frantically, we decided to try to fix it as much as possible, but to no avail. She was super dismissive again and didn’t want to accept help, so I let the fuckshit fly. My leadership coach called and I laid all my feelings on the line. Friday morning, the schedule was still not fixed, and she kept sending updated versions out. Our CEO, along with my coach, came to our school for the kickoff celebration. My coach was standing right beside me, and teachers were coming up to me asking me what they were teaching and I had no answers. My coach was mortified. During our leadership team meeting, I had to leave because I was feeling ill yet again, but there was still no resolution. I spent Saturday with Autumn at the park and getting a mani/pedi, so I could be prepared for whatever was going to happen on Monday. I was planning on going into the building to make sure teachers were prepared, all the bulletin boards were done and the finish my office stuff. Before the crust was washed from my eyeballs on Sunday morning, I got a phone call from my principal saying that the schedule had not been rectified and I would have to teach a 7th grade math class.

Listen, I’m a team player. Really, I am, but this that bullshit. I rushed to the school to help figure things out. I couldn’t do it without overhauling the entire schedule, which she was opposed to. So, here I was reviewing 7th grade math content and getting ready for the next day. I was at the school till midnight planning a lesson for Monday morning, looking crazy, foolish and again, unprepared, just like I was on the previous Monday. First day of school came. I taught my class. My leadership coach came in to check in with me and basically shared my WTF attitude about the findings. I told him I wanted to resign, and this is exactly what he said:

“Resignation is an option. Right now, you have to kinda be a meteorologist and determine if this storm is going to pass soon or if it’s something that’s going to linger. If you think it’s short lived, wait it out, but if not, I support you in making this decision. You’re teaching a class and expected to support teachers at a very high bar. You can’t do both. You’re obviously sick and I can look at you and tell that your body is suffering. I’ll support whatever decision you make.”

I sat there an pondered. Where the fuck was Woodie Assaf when I needed him?

Sure enough, I left work to go to urgent care for what I thought was a sinus infection, or upper respiratory infection at most. I get there and the doctor says, we’re about to send you to the ER. My BP was elevated (197/146) and they needed to get it down immediately. I spent the night in a hospital and found out my heart was slightly enlarged from the pressure being so consistently high. I’m sitting in Temple University Hospital being admitted after just the first day of school. HOW SWAY!? They literally gave me the same medicine I take everyday and my pressure came down. My doctor says, “Well this is just stress. Here’s some Flonase and Claritin for the congestion. I’m taking you off work until Thursday. I don’t know where you work, but you may want to reconsider”

No duh, bi… Ma’am.

Now, I’m in the unfavorable position of determining next steps. I sat and reflected on what I could do, versus what I needed to do. I have to determine if this is Hurricane Katrina all over again or is this just a little rain that’ll pass in a couple days. Am I going to walk in the health I worked so hard to discover, or will I pick up old habits and ignore the signs? Find out on the next installment of “Listen to me, you silly bitch,” narrated by my body and my mental health.