Growing up in the south with an average size family, I had the luxury of having my own room. It was one of those things that I valued growing into my teens. There were times when my brother and I shared, like after our home was burglarized, but I remember the sense of freedom of having a space of my own. I wasn’t a very scary child, and I often slept with the door open, or slightly ajar so that I could hear subtle and faint noise in the background, like when my parents would wake up, or a door would open. The sound of the dryer at night was so soothing, and leaving the door open, allowed me to have access to all the familiar things and noises that were most comforting. I’m not entirely sure why, but it helped me sleep better. The funny thing about leaving doors open is that the access goes both ways. Leaving doors open gives whatever is outside easy access to things inside. You can’t control what comes in or out.

I’ve talked a lot about repeating cycles and breaking habits in the new year, but in all honesty, I was thinking about the little cute cycles and things I could control with minor changes, not the ones that require major overhaul of my emotional management. It’s easy to break cycles around financial struggle and poverty, when you have a decent job and can afford things. It’s easy to “break” cycles of investing in the wrong people, if you refuse to meet anyone new. Checked that off the list. My therapist, however, didn’t really see it as a quick check off, and has definitely been letting me have it. Our last session explored the root of the actual cycles that I’ve been repeating, and called me out on my choices to perpetuate. For two hours, we talked about privatizing education and charter networks, but also my habit of allowing toxic relationships to exist because they’re familiar, since starting new ones takes so much work. This was on my agenda, so I’m not mad at how randomly our conversation went, but reality set in when she asked me questioned about my dating practices. “How many of your exes still have access to you? Do you plan on closing any of those doors? You really find value in being what someone else wants you to be, but do you even know what you want?”

First of all, bitch….. I don’t have any answers to these questions because I wasn’t prepared with answers. The first step in breaking cycles is identifying that one exists and NAMING it, and honestly, this is the second time someone has. (Thanks, Jon Jon, Wanda, Autumn and Maya) After my session, I was tasked with compiling a list of things I want in a partner, if the opportunity ever presented itself. My body keeps acting a monkey for whatever reason, and it turns out that I’m now dealing with sciatica because you know, everything else wasn’t enough. (Insert sarcastic laugh). The good part is I got to take a few days off of work, so I’ve had PLENTY of time to consider these questions and after a long introspective conversation, I STILL DON’T HAVE ANY ANSWERS. Here I am, being reckless and galavanting off into the night, leaving a trail of tears behind because I’ve been too selfish to (a) recognize my own shit, and (b) name what the fuck I want and don’t want. I’ve still been outchea deliberately seeking validation and value from others. There’s this overwhelming tendency to lie to myself like everything is fine when it absolutely is not. Here I am, constantly leaving doors slightly ajar, giving people access to move in and out of my life in whatever way they choose because I’m too afraid to be uncomfortable and too blinded to see the hurt I’ve inflicted on others by being this way. I’ve been making excuses and providing justifications why certain doors can be left open and others have to be closed, when in essence, it’s a self-absorbed attempt to keep near what I already know is unhealthy. I’m waiting by the door, hoping someone will change, when I’ve done nothing to change my behaviors that contributed to things being toxic because it was my fault too. “Oh you changed? Thank God. Well, Here I am ready to love you again in the same way I did before that led to us being toxic for each other in the first place.” Sticking to the devils I know is what got me in this predicament in the first place, so if I’m going to be all new and grown, I’ve got to cut things off at the source, regardless of how hard it is and how bad it makes me feel.

What to do now?

There are basically two options moving forward. I can continue to do nothing and make excuses as to why I’m so accessible to toxicity. You know. Insanity. Or I can really take time to work through all these questions I’ve left unanswered. The truth is, as much as I thought I was ready to do the work, I’m not sure I’m brave enough to. Don’t get me wrong. I’m always balls to the wall, 125% in everytime, but something about disrupting comfort fills me with tons of anxiety. I’ve laid anchors. I’ve placed stakes in the ground with certain things and people, so uprooting everything I already know and riding off into the woods like a Revolutionary Soldier is scary as fuck. I’m pushing 40. If I close doors now and want to reopen them later, will I be able to? Am I willing to take that risk? Should I even be thinking about that? With all these questions, I’ve given myself more homework.

Bitch, do you even wanna change?

So, I really do want things to be different. Like deadass. Being this visceral was gut-wrenching and I had to recognize how I contribute to these patterns. I’m not trying to be this jaded, pretentious, old queen who blames all his faults on his zodiac sign, as an excuse to perpetuate fucked up ass behavior. We said we were sparking change and being well in 2019. So, I’m calling my shot and saying, this shit is HARD, but I know it’ll be worth it. Now that I’ve been read by my friends, my therapist, and myself, I’m gonna get to work on these questions. Until next time..