Last week, I got some amazing news concerning the cancer scare. My PET scan showed no additional malignant cancerous cells, which doesn’t mean I’m in the clear completely, but I won’t have to do any weird chemo/radiation treatment currently. My doctor and oncologist are going to monitor me for a few years, just to make sure my moob is ok. So, I should be elated, right? I should be jumping for joy and yelling it from the rooftops because I’m so grateful that I don’t have cancer. Don’t get me wrong. I really am, but this shit has taking a toll on me like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

After the PET scan, I started feeling all weird. I was in a lot of pain, so I was using the meds I had been given from the surgery for pain management to deal with it. Codeine is amazing and it seemed to be working, but I ended up having an allergic reaction. I’m not sure if it was the codeine, some ointment, or a new allergic development. My doctor had no clue either, so she gave me four (4) prescriptions to basically clear up whatever was happening. (Side note: My medical team is starting to seem a lil shady, like they may be trying to off me.) I’ve been taking those pills, which includes a steroid, along with benadryl and I’m starting to feel some physical relief, but bitch, my social/emotional man is struggling like shit.

Upon telling my parents about the cancer news, I felt a sense of relief because I knew they’d be happy, but truth is, I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’ve literally just been trucking through all of it, going to work, putting in 110% percent everyday, making sure that my day to day routine isn’t broken, so I feel as normal as possible. At night, I’m staring at the wall, trying to keep myself from breaking down or taking pills to go to sleep. My appetite is touch and go. (I ain’t lost no weight tho. -_-) I’m sure my personal relationships are all over the fucking place because I don’t always remember who the fuck I talk to everyday. I’m sitting here looking at all these symptoms, realizing that I’m on the brink of falling back into a deep depression, and what am I doing about it? Not a damn thing. Everyday I’m getting closer and closer to the point that drove me to suicidal ideations and I’m just sitting here whistling and twirling my thumbs like things are peachy. I’m listening to music that confirms and validates where I am. “I’m not ok… Losing my faith… Slipping away….”

IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR BLACK ASS UP AND GET SOME HELP!

Let’s be clear. I’ve been to therapy and saw the benefits of it. I went for over a year in 2016/17. I encourage my friends to go all the time, but in the past month, 4 people have asked me what I have against therapy because I won’t go. I’m pretty much being a hypocrite, and honestly, I know exactly what’s going to happen when I do finally decide to go back. All the issues that I’ve been snowballing for the past year are gonna come back to the surface. I have been holding back so much shit that I’ve been afraid to let go of. The self-medicating is no longer working. The weed, the bourbon, the hoodrat shit with my friends, the random trips, the shopping, the throwing myself into work… All of it is wearing me thin. This blog was supposed to be a source of therapeutic intervention, but committing to something that forces you to be this authentic and vulnerable is just as draining. I’ve scheduled, rescheduled, and cancelled three (3) therapy appointments in the month of January alone because I’m too afraid of what it means and looks like to ask for help.

I’m gonna get this shit together, though. I promise. I’m cancer free, just like I declared I would be and that’s enough to celebrate. I’ve got some work to do in order to push through this spell, but it’s time to get it done. My first therapy appointment is February 4th, and I’m not cancelling again. If I do cancel, I owe y’all $5. I’m also going to say this:

If you feel like you’re drowning or need real help with mental struggles, find yourself a behavioral health specialist. I’ve done it before. I know it works. We’re going to be healthy all the way around in 2019: physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. Alluhit! Let’s do it, bih!