Older people always used to say, “If you gone tell it, make sure you tell it all.” That was a sure fire way to keep you from lying to your elders, but I found it to be true in honoring the strength of transparency. So, here we go.

I don’t like this. I really don’t. AT AWL.

There are parts of me that bear witness to the strength it takes to go through challenges that seem monumental. I’ve seen things change me in ways that I didn’t think I could ever be changed. There are pieces of me that use to exist that I can no longer find. My best friend and I talk a lot about this “new Marcus” and who he is, and how excited we are to see the adventures that life has in store for him. It’s really funny and a bit hyperbolic. I don’t always feel new. I just feel changed and I can’t always describe it, but I do feel it.

These past few weeks, I’ve been putting on a happy face because I hate when people worry about me. I have a bad habit of telling people how to feel when it comes to dealing with me. “Why are you crying? Stop all that. I’m fine. You’re overreacting. Everything is great. I’m not crying. Why are you?” I also have a bad habit of prefacing bad news with “Promise me you won’t freak out. It’s not a big deal.” Then, I got called out about it. I can’t tell people how to feel about me, especially those who care. I can’t tell them to contain their reactions or minimize the severity of any of it.

It’s funny how we expend so much energy outwardly portraying how strong we are, for the benefit of other people. Correction. It’s funny how I expend so much energy outwardly portraying how strong I am, for the benefit of other people, when in essence, no one is asking me to be strong. Also, me being strong isn’t helping anyone else feel better. I have some amazing family and friends, and I do what I can to affirm and cultivate those relationships as much as possible. I know they’ve been seeing a different version of me over the past few weeks, and I’ve been faking the funk super hard to keep everyone else from freaking out. People really do care about me. Like for real. It still blows my mind sometimes because I’ve done my best to fade into the background and not be memorable, but these amazing people in my life won’t let me. These amazingly beautiful, gifted, creative, compassionate, ride or die souls that life has connected me with, make life worth living, reminding me that regardless of what happens, they’ll be right there with me, every step of the way.

I hate not being in control of this. I hate having to surrender to the fate of something because I can’t keep it from happening. This is not me giving up, so don’t ever think that. This is me being Marcus and understanding that I can’t control everything that happens around me, no matter how desperately I try. I don’t like this. I don’t like not knowing what’s coming next or what to expect. I don’t like when people worry about me, but I have to allow myself to be worried about, loved, and cared for because there are moments when I won’t be able to do it for myself.

PET Scan results coming soon. Anxiety on 7 trillion. Positive vibes on 9 trillion. Cause a bitch gotta keep living.