So, birthdays always signify the new year for me. It’s funny because my friends always choose their words, declarations, and images for the year in January, and I always refuse. This is a moment for me to reflect on another year of life and determine what my focus would be. The conversation I had with parents this morning was a reassurance that change, though inevitable, isn’t the horror that we think it is. Evolution comes with a price, but the reward is phenomenal. 2020 was the year of whatever you made it out to be. We all chose our paths. Some did what they could to survive because that’s all they knew. There have been so many people being shamed for not starting a business, or going to school, or becoming a Hotep. Waking up and living day to day is an accomplishment in itself. The fact that any of us are still here, is a gift unto itself. This year, just like the last, will be the year of whatever you make it. These are the things I’ve chosen to focus on. 

Reciprocity 

I can honestly say that the reflection part is pure hell, IF you really seek to uncover patterns. You’re met with your past demons head on. No filter. That shit is ugly. Over the past 10 years of being in & out of relationships, I fumbled, stumbled, and made absolutely stupid decisions. Last week I was cleaning out my Gmail account (because of course they swear you’re always running out of storage) and I stumbled on some emails from 2010 – 2015. (Now that I think about it, my storage was probably almost full if I had emails from that far back.) I reread some g-chats and email messages,  and stated to feel really dumb. I honestly can’t think of another word to describe it. I was willingly giving of myself to people who refused to choose me over and over again. Dudes I was fucking with were asking me to do things that they could do for themselves, and I was willingly doing it, without an ounce of reciprocity. This trend continued in relationships and things were always so one sided, but I was continuing to choose and show up for people who didn’t choose me, or chose other people over me, while insisting that they loved me and wanted to be with me. What did I do? I kept fucking staying. 

It didn’t stop at relationships. The jobs I was working were not choosing me and continually asking more of me. They were praising my work and my commitment to students and change, but were refusing to show me that they valued my work. I was underpaid, passed over, and given more work for being competent. I specifically remember one job telling me how they valued me and wanted to move me along the company into higher positions. I was going to meetings with network leaders, and presenting my ideas in spaces that my current position did not really allow for. There a seat at the table laid out for me and the path to get here seemingly was continuing to do the work that I was doing. Then, on the day of my final evaluation, after telling me how I was an asset and how I had done amazing work for the past 11 months, they told me that my position was being eliminated and I could apply and interview for a new position they created, that paid less money, but I somehow wasn’t qualified for. So a demotion and a pay cut? But you value me? I left after that and went to another school, but ended up in a similar situation  

This year, I tried to do things differently and choose people and spaces that choose me. I invest in those who invested in me, and when I realized that it isn’t reciprocal, thenI let go. One thing about me is, it may take me a while to get fed the fuck up, but when the fuck I do, oh bitch, I’m gone step the fuck off.  As much as I want marriage and companionship, I won’t do it at the sake of my own peace. I can’t be going to bed every night with acid reflux, stressing over somebody’s raggedy ass son. I deserve reciprocity. To receive just like I give. It’s not a lot to ask, but I’ll be damned if I settle. It’s hard as fuck to find reciprocity when you jump into spaces without setting the standard or proper boundaries, so we’ve been conditioned take what you can get over what you deserve. We are not doing that shit, anymore. Not this year. 

Celebration 

So, my therapist has been specifically working with me on this, cause I suck at it. I was having a conversation with a IG friend of mine about gifts and celebrations. Giving gifts is one of the ways that I show love. I love seeing people’s faces light up when I give them something. People need to know you care. They want to. Gifts are one way that I show it. On the flip side, I’m terrible at receiving gifts. Don’t buy me shit. I’ll buy it. Get me a card, spend time with me, buy me some food, and I’ll love you forever. I know. I’m working on it, but that shit is hard. I feel guilty sometimes when people give me things. Like, bitch I don’t deserve this. Take this back and get me some “nownlaters” or something. I tried to cancel birthday celebrations this year four times by declining invites from people, but my friends won’t fucking stop sending them, so I had to go. It was so amazing to have people love on me and celebrate with me. 

Same with celebrations. I rarely ever pause to celebrate things in the moment. I always want to move on. Yes, I accomplished that. Let’s move along to the next thing. No need for celebrating. I’ll just post it on social media, people will like it, say congratulations and then I’ve celebrated. No need for anything further. I still gotta work tomorrow. The thought is that, if I focus on the next thing, I’ll stay ambitious, driven, and won’t become complacent. In actuality, I’m continuously fueling stress and anxiety, by not pausing to take in accomplishments. I also use other people as an excuse not to celebrate. I’ve planned trips and didn’t go because other people couldn’t. I finished my master’s degree 5 years ago, and didn’t go to graduation because I wanted to go on a trip to Puerto Rico. Here I am 5 years later, and still haven’t taken that trip. I accomplished a lot of shit in 2020, and I let time continue to pass by jumping onto the next thing. My therapist believes I live in the extreme hypothetical, anticipating the worst case scenario, so I can purposely overthink and feel like I’ve done nothing. I think he’s a bitch and we can fight, but he’s not wrong. So, I’m gonna celebrate more often. I promise. 

Acceptance

As years go by, I’ve grown to accept that the way I planned my life is not what is happening and I have to be prepared to take life as it comes. All the previous failures are done and there is nothing I can do to change what happened in the past. I can, however, grieve and accept those things, and focus on preparing for the future I want regardless of what it looks like. I always have to accept that my goals don’t have to change because there is a delay. I can adjust my timeline, and continue to progress, despite a set back. This has been the hardest pill to swallow at 38. There were things and spaces I decided that I’d be in by the time I was 35, that didn’t come to fruition when I wanted them to. I’m a control freak and super rigid sometimes when it comes to life when I plan it. I came to grips with the fact that delay is not the same as failure. 

I’ve had to grow and accept change when it’s scary and unfamiliar. I’ve had to watch my own life go up in smoke, waiting for things to clear so I could rebuild. I’ve watched people walk away, and I’ve had to remove myself from things that no longer served me. I’ve had to part from things I’ve really wanted because It was time to let go. I’ve had to accept pain, hurt, and sadness as human emotions that I wouldn’t be able to escape. More than anything, I like displaying strength, but I’ve had to learn to accept that other emotions exist and I can’t skip them because they are uncomfortable. Acceptance has been one of the hardest parts of grieving, and one of the most sadistic parts about growing older, but it’s a practice that is most rooted in love. You grow to accept who you’ve become and learn to love every part of that. That’s what I plan to step into this year. 

This is 38. 

Whatever your worlds or declarations are this year, let them all lead you back to love and that literally starts with loving you. Love yourself enough to take risks, to plan for the future you want, to set goals and accomplish them. Give yourself the space to be flawed, and the grace to change one day at a time. Give yourself the freedom to be authentically who you are, and never change that. Give yourself the love you share with others, so that you will never have to pour from an empty cup. 

I give myself permission to choose the people and things that choose me. I give myself the grace I grant to others. I reflect the love I want from others. I give myself the space to always heal. Another year to learn. Another year to grow. All 2021.