First of all, TimeHop is the devil. This needed to be said.

I’ve been seeing a lot of my triggers start to resurface as we kicked off the new year. I started reliving some trauma I had faced previously. I started being reminded of how things weighed me down and how poorly I handled them in the past. I started to feel guilty for not being where I wanted to be because I made decisions based on negative emotions. Pictures trigger memories of trauma and it sent me into a downward spiral that I definitely was not prepared for. It culminated in a wave of emotional, mental and physical effects that really took a toll on me.

The end of February beat me up a lil bit only because I allowed it to. Yeah, my mental health issues resurfaced because I stopped taking my meds for a while. I thought I was good, until one night I found myself super manic and restless. I was doing a lot of negative self talk around how my job was going. Imposter syndrome hit me hard as shit. There were feelings of worthlessness that resurfaced out of nowhere. I immediately knew what the issue was, and I went straight to the hospital to get checked out. Physically, I was in excruciating pain and nothing I was taking was helping, but I had taken so much that my body was reacting negatively. Also, who knew that taking too many pain meds could cause you to become constipated? I didn’t. So along with my elevated manic mood, and the pain, I was constipated and ended up with a fissure, trying to force myself to poop. (TMI, I know, but whatever). Welp, as if this wasn’t enough, my BP shot up to 211/131. My doctor is literally looking at me puzzled. I didn’t have a headache, my chest wasn’t hurting, but he quickly realized that I had taken too many pain pills to feel anything but this fissure. Nigga out here living dangerous. Whole body was just dysregulated like shit.

After regulating my mood, the pain, my blood pressure, and getting a bottle of stool softeners, I got to go home and they took me off work for two days, which in turn, only heightened my anxiety. I HATE missing work. Like hate it, but it was very necessary for me to replenish myself to be able to pour out to others. I also didn’t tell people what was happening with me. I literally told one person and everyday since, I get a text message at 8pm with a GIF of a man pointing at his watch to let me know it’s time to take my meds. I’m reminded everyday that I’m loved and that even when people don’t know or understand what’s happening, they still love me. (After posting this I’m going to get fussed at for weeks, but we can fight, so what’s up.) I’m constantly being affirmed, which is something I didn’t know I needed at this point in my life, but it feels really good. People who love you correctly make life so much more worth living. I’m so lucky to have you in a time in my life where life continues to to be complicated, and I’m blessed to have you to help me navigate it.

This experience so early in the year humbled me, and reminded me that healing is a continuous process. It’s growth; always moving forward to be the best version of yourself that you can be. I also found out the rest of my admin team has not been taking care of themselves, so being able to “model” out of necessity was huge for my work/life balance. I’ve decided that I’m resetting in March. I’ve lost 17 pounds since January so I’m gonna reset my diet. I’ve already checked some goals off my list, so I’m going to reconfigure my 2020 plan and continue to spend and share my happiest moments with people who make me happy. I started giving to people more during this month. When you’ve been as fortunate as I am, despite all the bullshit, you have to share your joy. Being a blessing to others doesn’t have to be narrated, documented, or displayed. When it’s authentic, the ones who need to feel it, will feel it. My friends are also just not as gangsta as me, so they be crying and shit.

Before all of these things happened, I posted this on my Facebook page.

Triggers are real. You’re not crazy. You’re not overly emotional. You’re human and things that hurt you before can hurt you again if you allow them to. The first two months of 2020 are done. We got 10 more months of work to do. Let’s start with kicking March in the nuts and giving him an uppercut to the chin when he’s down. I got a birthday in less than 30 days. I’m not carrying this shit. Let’s get it. Still Healing and Growing all 2020.