January seems to be the longest month of the year. Every single year, but I took some time to give myself space to begin 2020 with a clear head and a calm spirit. I spent the past weekend on Lake Las Vegas enjoying the view, connecting with affinity groups, and having fun with someone very special to me. Fall and winter were riddled with bouts of depression and I thought I had a plan to escape them, but it was not an easy process. There were tears and fear. There was isolation and dismay, but I gave myself permission to feel and the freedom to sit as long as I needed. I’ve established norms and have begun to explore them one by one. For now, leaning into discomfort has pushed me into a space where I’ve been able to shatter my comfort zone and push myself to do things I’ve always wanted to do, but have always been afraid to. Let’s explore this shit real quit.

Love

Sooooooo. Yeah. I ain’t felt like this in a while and I’ve opened myself to really feeling authentic love in the variety of forms that it takes. I’ve been scared to really open myself to the possibility that I could open my heart again. I learned from previous relationships that keeping things under wraps making people feel like secrets. I’ve also learned that it doesn’t matter who knows or what you display. It only matters how people make you feel. There is indeed a freedom that comes with exploring love and understanding the impact it has on your life. I’ve learned to embrace support, encouragement, compliments, misunderstanding, disagreements, hugs, and open communication. I was able to open up about SDD and how it impacts me, but I didn’t feel alone, which is like, mind blowing. A friend of mine echoed, “It’s about got damn time,” because anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I’m a “I don’t need no muthafucking body” kind of nigga. Opening myself up again to the idea that a person can actually care about my mean ass, is sometimes foreign but it’s happening. I’m scared as fuck, but oh well. Ain’t shit I can do about it now, so I’m gonna just keep embracing it.

Personal Goals.

This year, I literally decided to write goals down and attached dates to them, but I didn’t only focus on career things. I told myself I would release work, and last month I released a mixtape of poems and freestyles, called Unicorns, Glitter, and that Gay Shit, which I was very proud to have accomplished. Putting your work out for other people’s criticisms is very difficult. I’m also my own biggest critic, so I wasn’t necessarily worried how it would be received, but I was more than happy to let it sit and not be released, but I took a leap and put it out. So, I set a goal to write and recording monthly and release at least one thing monthly. It’s a stretch, but eventually I want to release original material, so we’ll see girl. All the goals I set, I think I’ll keep to myself for now, not because I’m hiding them, but because I want to push myself this year to celebrate accomplishments. I suck at it and I literally pull rather do anything but celebrate myself.

Being happy.

Yikes.. ok. So I really suck at just enjoying moments or even admitting that I’m actually happy. I don’t know if it’s superstition or paranoia, but admitting happiness makes me feel like I’m about to jinx something great. I’ve gotten the opportunity to travel at my own will, and just enjoy some things that I’d normally put off. It was needed though. As seasonal depressive disorder hit, I had to name and create ways to build happiness back in, while actually letting them happen. I have a job that I literally love going to everyday. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to say that. The work isn’t easier and the expectations are even greater, but I’ve been able to trust my instincts, do what’s best for kids, and having fun while doing it. I’ve been able to re-ignite my own love for learning, while helping to create and environment where kids want to be and learn everyday; a place that embraces their identity and works hard to disrupt inequities for students of color who are marginalized at every turn. This work is important to me which is why it’s a joy to do it everyday. I even changed my diet for the start of the year. ME. My fat ass changed my diet to incorporate more greens, more water and less red meat. I went the whole month of January as a pescatarian and lost 14 pounds. Never in a million years would I have thought that I’d go without eating burgers and steak for a month, but I did it. As struggly as it was. I’ve worked really hard to get to a space where happiness can actually exist for me, so as uncomfortable as it is to sit in it, I plan on continuing to allow it wash over me.

We’re doing new things this year. The norms are set, bitch, so let’s go. What goals have you set? How will celebrate? How will you lean into discomfort this year? Still Healing. Still Growing. Staying Focused. All 2020, bih.