I’ve never really been afraid of new opportunities. Since the beginning of my academic career, I’ve been encouraged to take risks, and though it has not been easy to support the risks I’ve chosen to take, I keep leaping from metaphoric planes without a parachute, into whatever is waiting for me. I went to schools where I didn’t know anyone and had to start over again, beginning in fourth grade. I journeyed off to college thousands of miles away, only to come back home. After my divorce, I moved away a few times and started over each time, but I’ve always had the ability to build relationships wherever I go. I think you always feel a bit alone in the beginning, but this feels different, so I’m literally writing to attempt to understand my feelings.

Alright. Here we go..

This transition to Philadelphia has been a bit difficult. In my mind, DC was going to be my permanent home, until it wasn’t. Within a month of moving there, I had connected my life, my tribe, and my work in a way that created a super supportive community that I could look to for guidance and lean on when I was homesick or experiencing any trouble. People came into my life, and over time, my tribe began to scatter, but it still very much felt like home. My friends and family are doing amazing things in amazing places, and life pulling us in different directions as grow older. Even with all of those things, I never felt out of place, or like I was losing anyone or anything. Up until the day that I loaded up my things into my U-haul, I felt like I was home. There was never a question. I had my family at any point that I needed them, and leaving secure space was way more difficult than I thought it would be.

Philadelphia has been a completely different experience. It’s been difficult to find my center and adjust to living here without my tribe in close proximity. I’ve been working since I the day I moved here, so the focal point has very much been my throwing myself into the things that need to be done on my task list, with no regard for my mental and physical well being at times. I quickly found a place so I could at least have an address and feel settled in some sense. The work I’m currently doing isn’t difficult or mentally taxing enough to help me escape my thoughts of being away from the people I care the most about. I’ve recently put a lot of energy into making my house a home, but recent experiences on my job, make it difficult to focus on that. I’ve literally been pulling my hair out trying to figure out what the universe is telling me.

Any other time, I’d go to Mary for a good ole filthy read to realign my soul, but I don’t have her and the benefits from my new job haven’t kicked in yet. I’ve had to vocalize the difficulty and expose my vulnerability, but I’m so grateful that I have someone here that listens and makes transparency a priority. He makes it comfortable for me to say when things are hard and reminds me of what I came here to do. My friends are also super active and available in times when I feel this way, but not having them physically available has created a barrier for me to completely lean on them. They got shit to do, just like I do. No one wants to admit when they feel like they’ve made a mistake or when they’re unsure of their decision. I hate feeling like I jumped the gun because NOW IS NOT THE FOR QUESTIONING YOUR CHOICES, BITCH! My Aerian nature is so ready to do a somersault and jump again, especially when I see things becoming difficult with no plausible solution in sight. I’ve learned too many lessons about staying somewhere when I’m not happy, so abandoning ship seems like the right thing to do when I feel a red flag, but that ain’t what this is. This is just hard. This is literally adulting in every sense of the word. Difficulty is often said to build character, and character, in turn, breeds strength, so I’m learning to lean into the discomfort and allow myself to experience the pains of transition. For the first time in a long time, taking a leap felt like abandoning everything I know, and it doesn’t feel good. I feel unsure. That’s not a familiar feeling. Plus, I have a lot riding on this and I know that people who matter are watching.

Everyday, I’ve been reminding myself of the promises I made for this year, and how I can’t abandon them because things aren’t happening like I expected. I promised myself that I wouldn’t put my goals on hold anymore. I promised myself that I would actively pursue the things that I wanted and I’d work to find and understand my worth, refusing to let anything or anyone stop me from fulfilling this dream. I promised myself that I’d commit, even in difficult times and stay the course. I promised myself that I’d grow, even when growing was painful. I’m letting the discomfort stretch me out because in the long run, I’m better for taking the leap than playing it safe. I’m constantly getting reminders from the universe to stay the course, so fuck it. Once you’ve healed, you get to grow. So, let’s grow, bitch. Five months left to prove to 2019 that we ain’t no punk bitches.