Father’s Day is usually tough day for me. I have a great relationship with my dad, but it’s not one of the holidays I choose to visit home for. I’ll call him, and send him a card and a gift, but since I moved, I don’t think I’ve spent that holiday there. The hard part about Father’s day, is remembering the fact that I lost my own child, 12 years ago. I often think about the joy behind finding out I was going to be a father only for it to be snatched away from me months later. Things go from extreme joy to sadness in the drop of a hat. My main priority was the child’s mother and I’ve never takn time to cope with any of it. I usually keep myself busy so I don’t think about. This particular Father’s Day, I woke up at 6 o’clock am to clean and do laundry. I did some work stuff, and finally laid down to nap and be silent for the remainder of the day. I started binge watching a new show and kept myself preoccupied.

Why tell this story? On this day?

Well, I said all this to say this. I still have a warped sense of myself and my impact on others. Also, I really have some dope ass folks in my life and I’ll tell you why they’re so dope.

The dope things started Thursday. My admin team hosts a happy hour for leaders who are not returning. The catch is, you have to be told why you’re so valuable and why people will hate to see you go. Maya got to give the speech for me, and I shed a little thug tear, but I persevered. On Friday, it was announced to the staff members that I would not be returning to my current job, and I got so many messages and well wishes, that it started to make me question myself. I’m a behind the scenes, walk in the shadows kind of guy, or so I thought,  but people see me so differently than I see myself. I didn’t think I’d had such an impact on my school or that people would be affected the way they were. I thought I’d slip on out, as forgettable as I’d come in, but this obviously wasn’t the case. I really thought I was laying low.

On Saturday, my trash ass friends (read group of utterly amazing individuals) actually surprised me with a brunch in my honor, which was not an easy feat. I’m super paranoid and I think everything is a plot, so when I was invited to brunch, I literally asked them was this a setup to make me cry. The record shall stand that my paranoia was grounded and I was right. So, when I walked in, I’m greeted by loving faces, coming out of random rooms. Anyone who knows me, understands that the best way to make me uncomfortable is to celebrate me in any way. I start fidgeting, and try to take the attention off me. People are hip, so it no longer works, so I had to sit here and listen to people say all kinds of nice things about me, and I couldn’t go anywhere. I had to listen to people tell their favorite stories and memories. I hated every moment of it, but I needed it. I needed to hear those things.

This week, I decided to take a job that would call for me to relocate. It was an extremely tough decision and I’ve been touch and go about  it since I got the offer because I knew I’d be doing something just for me. Yesterday, I got my school placement, which solidified my decision and now I’m super happy about the prospects. I’m happy to have support from people around me. I’m happy to know that there is someone in my life who encourages abs affirms me. It’s been a tough road, but I learned three wonderful lessons.

Lesson #1:

It’s ok to choose your own joy. Your real friends will always support you, even though it may make them sad. I got to listen to people tell me over and over again that I put the needs of others before my own, and how excited they were that I was doing something that would make me better. I spent so much time worrying about how my absence would affect them, that I wasn’t worrying about me. So, I was told to “worry about myself,” because it’s time. I was also told to embrace the joy and understand that all the good things that were happening were meant to happen to me. I made the commitment to myself. I’m just super happy I have people in my life I can share it with. He sends you what you need when you need it and the right people will hear you differently. They’ll hear the purpose in you before they hear the selfishness in themselves.

Lesson #2:

You cannot determine the depth of your impact on people. I literally try really hard to stay out of sight, but people are always watching you. They observe everything you do, down to the smallest detail. You don’t get to choose what that does for them or how they view it. Things that I consider minute are the things that can have the biggest impact on others. I’m committing to being my full, authentic self at all times because you never know who needs to see or hear that part of you.

Lesson #3:

Your real friends, will find reasons to celebrate you, and make you smile. Although my friends didn’t know the gravity of the emotions I would experience, them taking the time to think of me the way they did made my entire weekend. I knew this day would come, but leading up to it, I had such amazing moments which remind me that I would be a good father and regardless of what happens, I always have a place that I can go to and receive love.

Whenever I start to feel inadequate, I’ll reflect on weekends like this, and even though I’ll think on this every year, I’ll remember what it meant to feel this good. Remember. Everyday there is an opportunity to change a life. Even if you don’t consider yourself a life saver, someone around you does. Finally, be kind to others. You never know what they’re dealing with. It’s free to be kind. Still healing, bitches. All 2019.