As far back as I can remember, I’ve been an overachiever. It literally started back in first grade. Every year, my school would give two awards for highest GPA in 1st -3rd grade and 4th -6th grade. The winner got a $100 savings bond, and from the first time I saw it happen in Kindergarten, I knew I had to have it. It became an obsession and I ended up winning every year until I transferred to a different school in 4th grade. There was also the school spelling bee that I won in 2nd grade even though I hated spelling. I also had to have the lead role in the school play. There was always first place and it had to be me; No slacking. That’s where value landed for me. In reality, I set myself up for a host of disappointments because I wasn’t always going to win at life, and trying to do everything on my own, without assistance, would be a burden I would carry long into adulthood.

In relationships, my value always came from how much the other person needed me. I didn’t feel valued if I wasn’t sacrificing and putting someone else’s need before my own, which absolutely wasn’t sustainable. At work, additional work and overwhelming amounts of things to do, means people trust that I’ll get it done, and that’s where my value lies. This mindset has held me captive. So much so that when good things happen, I question whether or not I deserve them, or if they were meant for someone else. Even after all the accomplishments, I don’t consider myself very smart, and often doubt whether I’m qualified or cut out for certain things. This weekend put a lot of things in perspective, and when I say I have a tribe, I mean that shit. There is a family of people looking out to make sure I see my worth when I refuse to.

Last week, I told you guys that I resigned from my current job, before securing a new one, which is absolutely fucking bonkers. Well, this week I had a few interviews set up that were strenuous as fuck, with lots of pre-work and prep calls. One interview legit lasted from 8am – 2pm with built in breaks, but it was six parts. I had to do (two) 2 role plays, a demo lesson, a coaching demo, present the first part of a PD, and meet with the Executive Vice President of the network. I walk in, and there are 8 others candidates there to do the same thing, and I psych myself out immediately. I start texting my friends the infamous catalogue of doubts and self loathing. I was met with harsh resistance and affirmations of being “that bitch.” I sat and listened to the other candidates talk about how hard the sessions were and how they felt they bombed. I’m looking at all the experience in the room and thinking, if they think it’s hard, then I know I don’t have a chance.

Then it hit me.

What makes you think that you don’t deserve to be here? The only one doubting you is you. I mean, people also said this to me throughout the day. I probably was told to shut up 8 times, which was fair, but I’ve been so used to being undervalued and gotten so comfortable with demeaning my gifts that I was ready to give up when I walked through the door. I’d lost that push and drive to be the greatest in the room. I’d lost the sense of self that was encouraging. I could be the biggest cheerleader for others, but could not muster up enough faith in my own abilities. The people who called me back for these interviews saw something in my resume or in our conversations that deemed me worthy of a shot, so why was I so reluctant to believe in me the way strangers do? The way my tribe does? Why do I need constant reassurance from others that I’m built for this work?

Realistically speaking, the things I’ve accomplished, with all the obstacles I’ve encountered, are nothing short of amazing. I often forget that I’m here because I’ve done the work. The blood, sweat, and tears have all led up to this moment, and it’s time to get what I deserve. One of my loves told me that this was my “exam season,” and I can say that I’ve truly been tested. It’s been echoed that I deserve all the happiness and wins, and they are definitely coming from all angles. I’m just basking in the moment, and preparing my spirit for what’s to come. Now, I’m not sure what the outcome will be, but whatever happens, I’m ready. No more trying to control the timing, or saying I’m not ready. No more minimizing myself or hiding from the light of greatness. The universe is sending me all the good, and equipping me for all the challenges, so here’s to going after what we deserve in 2019. Cause you’re fucking worth it, too, bih. You deserve to win just as much as anyone else. Still healing. All 2019.