When people think of Mississippi, they often think of country dirt roads, cotton fields, racism, and slavery. There’s this image of two dirt roads converging at a stop in the middle of large farms. Currently, I’m standing smack dab in the middle of that crossroad, living an actual existential mid-life crisis, and I’m terrified. I’ve been trying to find that non-existent adulting manual that’s supposed to help me find the answer to all these questions, but I haven’t had any luck yet. I took a month off from blogging because I couldn’t bring myself to be as vulnerable as I usually am, so I didn’t see a point. In that time, I’ve had to face some harsh realities around why choosing yourself is the greatest act of love, and how amazing my circle really is.

My health struggles are no secret, but the last month was struh-gah-Lee! My immunity seemed to be attacked from every side and I was sick way more often than usual, but I put a poorly designed mask on and tried to keep trucking through it. I realize that I wasn’t fooling anyone around me, so I tried to stay away from people as much as possible. I went and talked to Mary and she made some very poignant points as always and asked a very critical question.

Point 1:

It’s ok when other people dont see value in you, but you have to value yourself enough to sever the relationship.

Point 2:

Look at what’s happening to you. Not just their actions and what they’re doing. Look at what it’s doing to you.

Question:

“How long are you gonna sacrifice your life, health and happiness for a job that doesn’t value or appreciate you?”

You know I fucks with Mary cause she tells the truth, but I be soooo sick of her in real life. What was I supposed to do with that information? It was super hard to digest. She gave me action steps and a deadline. I had to apply for jobs, and if I didn’t find anything by June 15th, then I could make the decision to stay where I currently am. So, I told my friends at work, and they were (to my surprise 🙄) already aware. This had been a very tough school year for all of us and it was taking a toll on me. I needed to go to my doctor tho, and see what care for myself needed to look like.

Well, here they come with more bullshit. My immunity was compromised because I was stressed and not sleeping, so any little thing could trigger me. He told me that working with children was an additional compromise and I needed to find something to do that wouldn’t put me in so much direct contact. Let me tell you what that means to me. For the past 13 years, I’ve dedicated my life to education. I’ve invested money for schooling and development. It’s the only job I’ve done as an adult and for someone to tell me that working with kids could be problematic for me, was a swift kick in the nuts, followed by being stabbed in the side and having one my toes shot off. So, I went and did the work to get my health back on track. I found a new ID doctor with an amazing staff and in less than a month, I’m in better shape that I’ve been in a long time. My CD4 increased and my viral load is undetectable again. The next step is figuring out my next step.

So, here I am. I’m 36 years old, changing the trajectory of my life and I’m terrified. I’ve always been a risk taker, so I’m not scared of that, but I’m a real adult, and not knowing what my next move is, scares the fuck out of me. It easier to take a risk when you know you have somewhere to land, but I’ve already told my current job of my plans without securing a new one, so I’m literally just lassoing clouds at this point hoping that something comes up. I have less than 30 days to figure it out, so we’ll see. On the bright side, my stress levels have decreased and I’m still working on that sleep thing, but there’s a freedom in telling your truth, no matter how scary. What I do know is that, as scary as this is, I decided to do the things that bring me joy and learned to cherish every moment. There’s no point in living if I can’t live it fully, so that’s what I been doing. There’s a healing in letting go, even if you’re terrified of the fall. Wherever I land, it’ll be where I’m supposed to.

I end with this:

See the value in yourself, even when others don’t. When you do, you won’t accept anything less than you deserve. Still healing. All 2019.