Thirty-six years ago, at 1:05 am, I burst onto the scene ready to conquer everything. From the first day I bust the womb, I’d been equipped with the tools I needed to be successful; a loving family who wanted to see me live better than they had. I’m not stranger to struggle, as I’ve been transparent about my journey through past blog entries, but being celebrated is something I still struggle with. Growing up, there was no celebration for greatness. It was the expectation for me. You’re exceptional, so you have to be 3 times better than everyone else, and that’s what I lived with. I still struggle with people complimenting me and thanking me for things because I feel like certain things are the norm. I went to brunch this weekend with friends of mine, and during the time we were there, they went around the table and gave these beautiful speeches about why they love me. It was the most awkward, uncomfortable space for me because they weren’t struggling to find things to say, but speaking from the heart with kind eyes and smiles. When you’ve lived through the things that I’ve experienced, you often contend with disingenuous people who compliment you with ulterior motives, but this was not that experience. These were people telling me that I mattered to them. Then, they asked me, “why do you love yourself? What do you love about you?” I sat there with a blank face; like a statue, as they waited on an answer for me. I was given think time and accomodations like sentence starters, and I still had so much difficulty answering the questions, so I took the rest of the day to ponder and provide real answers. I should be at a point where I can articulate what I love about myself, or even utter the simple declaration that I love myself, but I couldn’t find the words. So, I wrestled with them, until I was able to say it. Here’s what I came up with. 

Marcus, I love you because…..

You are resilient. There are people who have similar stories to you and live in fear that they never will be able to overcome. You speak up about trauma, living through it, and continuing to live life. It inspires those same people to keep going. Regardless of what life throws at you, you refuse to let it break you or block your ambition. There are times when you tried to give up and end it all on your terms, but your life is valuable and the weapons you formed against yourself didn’t stop you from prospering. This resilience is what drives you. It makes you push yourself into greater things. It makes you take risks and keeps your fears from controlling your life.

Marcus, I’m proud of you because…

You never gave up. Ambition is important to you. Whether it’s your career or a new venture, you go after what you want, and you never let things stop you. There were moments when you could have called it quits. There were times when you tried to, but through it all, you always came out of the other side like a champ. Depression couldn’t stop you. Bipolar Disorder didn’t stop you. Anxiety disorder hasn’t stopped you. Childhood trauma couldn’t keep you down. HIV couldn’t hold you back. You’ve continued to press when you didn’t feel like it, and when you didn’t think you could. You never allowed setbacks to keep you back. In those moments when despair was greater than hope, you found the light, saw the joy, snatched it up and continued down the path you knew was set before you.

Marcus, I am excited for you because….

Your future is bright. Everything that you’ve decreed would happen this year is happening or is in the works. You’ve made yourself a priority again and have been sure to care for yourself, when caring for others. I’m excited to see you heal and grow. I’m excited that you’ve made the conscious decision to heal and grow. You’re taking all the steps to be the best version of yourself possible so that you can show up for yourself and others. I’m excited that you’ve harnessed your strength and began to use it to your advantage, and no one can take that from you. Not even you. Your life matters to so many people and your existence is so important. There are people who count on you every day, and regardless of what life looks and feels like, you show up for them everyday. That’s a testament to the greatness in you.

Two years ago, I never would have been able to admit that I was proud of myself and excited for my future. I fought hard through all of it to be able to see a future. Surviving childhood was rough enough. Becoming a self-sufficient adult took some time and all of the struggles were genuinely worth it. I made bad choices and paid the consequences for my actions, but I never gave up, even when I had nothing.

I really am excited for the future, though. This month, I’ll release one of my first projects, which happens to be a mixtape of songs and my poetry. Let me warn you know. It is explicit in so many ways, so do be surprised by what you hear. It ain’t the blog writing Marcus, so prepare your spirits. I’m super nervous about it and hella scared to share it, but I owe it to myself to release it. So, that’s what I’m doing. I also owe it to myself to affirm who I am and what it means to be great. I needed to hear these things about me and I needed to say them to myself.

I leave you with this. Surround yourself with good people. There are people who have been a part of my journey since the beginning and they are learning new things as I release them. There are people in my life who just joined this journey, but I value them so highly. They bring a perspective on my life that I didn’t know existed. These are the people who tell me the truth no matter what. They’ll sit in that truth with me, even when it’s awkward and uncomfortable because they want me to understand that they care. Sometimes that truth is about how important I am to them and that in spite of what I think, I am great to them and they love me. I love to tell people all the time when they compliment or say nice things to or about me; “Girl, I ain’t shit.” Today taught me that I have to value myself enough to see me how they see me, and that starts with loving me, being proud of me and being excited for me. So, here’s to 36, baby. Keep Healing. Keep Growing. Keep Believing. You got this bitch. When moments arise that are meant to set you make, ask yourself these questions and find your center, so you can keep fighting.