“What is it about you that I can’t erase?
Cause every promise, don’t work out that way..”

I’m coming up on the 40 side of my 30’s. You know. You get past the point where you stop saying mid-30’s and start declaring you’re pushing 40. I can say that my 30s brought everything in perspective and I remember distinctly having a convo with Karla at brunch one day about what my 30s would bring. She had this to say:

“Sex gets so much better in your 30s. You experience all parts of life differently”.

Bitch you guessed it. She was right.

There are some things people leave out when it comes to your 30s. You become your parents age, which means they’re getting older and you worry about them. You start to examine all your relationships and recognize which ones are important and which are seasonal. If you’re in a relationship, you start thinking about marriage. If you’re not in a relationship, you start wondering whether your last one was your last chance. Dating becomes more difficult, and let’s just say I have a few issues that always seem to complicate things more. The biggest one being letting shit go, and figuring out what I want. It’s crazy. Everyday, I see old pieces of me washed away by the tides, while I’m trying to shape the other additions to this sandcastle I’ve constructed, when in essence, I just need to start over. The propped open doors, nights of reminiscing, that moment when you finally decide to walk away, and that pain and fear you feel when everything is over. These sandcastles, these little bits of old that haven’t quite washed away, but are still quite visible and attached, are the things that hold me back.

My therapist gave me homework to compile a list of what I want in a partner, as well as, my goals for the future. I had no trouble with the goals part, but that other list? Whew Chile. I realized that I often change myself for other people to make them happy and keep the peace, but then I become someone different than the person they fall in love with. The fact of the matter is, I date guys who remind me of my father. I date guys who initially treat me, like I see my dad treating my mom. I like guys who are protective, guys who funny, street smart and book smart. I like guys who make me think and who inspire me creatively. My partner has to be my biggest supporter. Someone who knows I like flowers over jewelry, and quality time over gifts any day. Someone who pushes me to recognizes my vices and isn’t afraid to tell me how my actions and words made them feel. I love push back and sparring in healthy ways. At the end of the day, I’m looking for someone to match my energy, ambition, and level of spontaneity. I’m a wild ride most days, but also an ambivert who sometimes just really wants to cuddle. I enjoy noisy silence sometimes. There is no grey. Either we’re bungee jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, or we’re Netflixing it up, eating cereal in our pajamas. I seek adventure. I want to taste life. The beautiful part of all of it, is that I’ve learned balance in relationships, and understand that I can adjust my energies without changing who I am. I haven’t mastered the adjustment yet, but I’m working on it. I’m just super aware now that it’s an option.

So what do I do in the meantime?

Bitch, learn yourself. It’s really that simple. I have several fulfilling relationships with friends and family that I can continue to nurture, which allow me the space to grow and heal in a way that would be beneficial to my actual existence. I’m not closing myself off to the possibility of love, but I’m not actively seeking it either. My friends told me today that it’s not up to me, and the universe will send me what I need, when I need it. I guess we’ll wait and see. No more building castles in the sand. It’s time to move to solid ground and build a good foundation for a future that actually works. Until then, I’m just letting the tide wash over me, and carry away the remains of what no longer needs to exist. I’ll never move forward, if I keep checking on the things I left behind. No more spaces. No more open doors. No more sandcastles.