Yo,

2018 is over and done and I’m just here to tell the story of how it went and shit.

Love

This has been a year of breaking cycles and changing habits in love. I ended a relationship and spent the remainder of the year with reckless abandon trying to figure out who I was as an individual, outside of the relationship. Heartbreak is never easy. You’re a fucking liar if you say that it is.  There was pain, confusion, hopelessness, but also enlightenment, depth, a few doses of reality, and hope. I began to see myself as a loveable human being, with flaws like everyone else, but also patterns of behavior specific to me that I could easily work on and change. I’ve missed a few marks in pursuit of companionship, and have been guilty of not allowing myself to fully heal. I still haven’t been afraid to take risks and put myself out there and that won’t change, but I’ll make sure that the decisions I make don’t exclude my own goals, dreams, and ambitions.

Life

I battled some demons and tackled some things that I should have handled years ago. I saw my sick father regain his health and saw peace restored to my family. I went out and experienced life without documenting every moment and have amazing narratives that I can share in the moment. I didn’t have to cut people off this year, which isn’t really a thing for me. The people in my life have been there for years, and I’ve met some amazing,  authentic people this year who have been exactly what I needed for the spaces my life was leading me into. People who weren’t meant to be here, have found themselves falling away without provocation. I’ve dealt with professional hurdles and hostile work environments, which resulted in more work for me, and bigger trust gaps with coworkers.

I’ve been to my share of concerts, sang at a few events, launched this blog, committed to being present in moments, moved on my own for the first time in 3 years, and have been forcing myself to write on a regular basis. As the year progressed, it became a more wonderful, colorful experience showered with friends who became family, new friends, laughter, tears, and love. I realized that the people in my life are the ones that I really cannot do without. They’ve traversed this wilderness right along with me, pointing out the booby traps, snares, and danger that lie ahead, and we all grew together as a result of being present in each other’s lives. I’m forever grateful.

Next stop

I’ve also been actualizing some of my dreams and understanding my value. I plan, write things out, set dates and deadlines in my head and then forget that I’ve done it. Over the past couple of month, I’ve begun to make phone calls, set up meetings, make deposits and investing in myself, which is huge and scary. You don’t know if people will like your work, if it will be successful, it will be seen, or if you can actually commit to doing it. We’ll see because wheels are in motion.

With that said, I have a couple of personal and professional projects that I’d like to solidify and put out to the masses. The universe has been helping me align these things in a way that has made it super easy to navigate. There will be music, writings, certifications, and promotions coming that I’m speaking into the atmosphere daily. The speaking is definitely an internal affirmation that I’m worth the investment.

One last hurdle

Before 2018 decided to depart, it left me a parting gift. On December 28th, I had a very impromptu doctor visit, that led to me finding a lump in my right “man-boob.”. Initially I ignored it, but the pain started becoming unbearable. After my examination, the doctor informed me that the lump needed to be removed and a biopsy would have to be performed to make sure it isn’t cancerous. I was little shocked and unbothered by the news, but I also remembered the emotional toll that my father’s cancer diagnosis took on my family, although it was unspoken and initially didn’t want to share anything about it. At the end of the day, there is nothing I can do but be hopeful that whatever happens, I’m strong enough to survive it. We’ll see what happens when I go under the knife. I promise to be back with updates.

Reflection:

Was 2018 rough? Fuck yeah.     Did I live through it? Fuck yeah.

Learn a few things? Fuck yeah   Lost a few things? Fuck yeah.

Did I enjoy it? Fuck yeah.

There are some things I experienced this year that I’d never thought I’d see, but as long as I’m here kicking, scratching and surviving, I’ll give it my best shot everyday. No defeated faces over here. 🙂