There’s a real beauty in the unexpected.

The creator of this universe has delicately shaped our lives in such a way that he doesn’t control us, but gives us opportunity after opportunity to express our free will. I’ve been guilty of continually making decisions that make life difficult for myself because I didn’t really know who I was or what I needed.

My last relationship taught me what real love looks like. I was so busy conforming my idea of love to a situation that I neglected to understand that loving myself was just as important. By nature, I’m a nurturer. I like to feel needed and I sacrifice whatever I can to be there for someone if I really love them. It seems that I’ve gained a warped sense of what love should really look like.

Love is messy, and at times, it can be difficult, but there is always work to be done. I’ve often confused “work” with being “hard.” A part of me has always thought that you have to struggle to be happy; that if you love someone you stay and never give up, even if it means sacrificing your own mental, emotional, and physical health. I’m not sure who created that logic or started that doctrine, but they can eat a dick. Biblical principle tells us that love covers, which is a blanket statement for people to believe that your love should outweigh the ridiculous shit that life puts you though at the expense of your own well being…

But is that really love?

Work can be difficult at times, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be hard. Two individuals coming together to know and understand each other is can be a little rocky, and love is there to ground you, but that’s not the only thing that should be there. I found myself growing resentful, trying to fulfill the needs of someone from an empty cup. I believed that I needed to work harder and give more. I believed that self-sacrificing was the ultimate display; that suffering meant I was really in love and I was needed there.

Fast forward to now.

I reflect often about the things I could have done differently. How could I have worked to sustain my efforts? At the end of the day, that type of reflection was moot. It’s over. You learn. What I’ve done is taken the time to get to know a Marcus who is 5 years older, a little more settled, a tad bit wiser, and a lot more adventurous. As much as I’ve put out into the universe that I’m not ready for what’s next, the Creator has a funny way of showing me how wrong I am. He intricately designs situations and aligns paths to place exactly what you need in front of you. I’m grateful to have gained an ear to listen, a mind that pauses the play, a hearts that proceeds with caution, and a willingness to reap the reward.

So, my 2019 is gonna be lit like a muhfucka. Growth, adventure, love in every sense of the word, and opportunities to share my gifts with those who need them, and my life with those who deserve me.